CATWALK: CLEETY (The World’s First Feline Super-Model)

By brian zahm

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my cat’s sexy as hell. and quite frankly, she’s very hungry for fame and its trappings. thusly, she shakes (and licks) her money-maker, and i capture the magic thanks to the @LAB’s fine-fangled fotography equipment. i’m not sure how i’m going to handle being the father of a feline celebrity, so we’ll see how that pans out. and well, i kinda already see the fame’s going to her head and think she’s developing a drug problem…she’s been hitting the catnip pretty hard lately. she’s been wearing sunglasses everywhere because she’s hungover from those all night benders. and i tell her that i’m worried about her, that i care for her, that i only want the best for her, and maybe she should cut back on the catnip–i mean, she’s like john belushi in his heyday–but anyway, she’s just shoots me this condescending look and says, “My eyes are just sensitive to the light.” actually, it sounds like “meooow-meow-meow” but i speak kitty, so anywhoo. oh, gawd, and i totally forgot how i caught her down at the tattoo parlor the other day. she was trying to get, i think like “THUG LIFE” tattooed on her paws or something like that. and luckily, luckily i burst in there at the last second and said, “Woooooo, she’s not 18! she’s like 3 or 4!” and you need to be 18 to get a tattoo in the state of ohio. and i shudder to think how she was going to pay for it…there aren’t many ways a sexy kitty can pay for something when she doesn’t have a real job, and that tattoo artist looked puhretty desperate. so, cleety being turned out for a tattoo was narrowly averted. does anyone know if they make chastity belts for kitties? if you do know, please drop me a line. ahhhh man, and yeah one last thing, we were attending the movie premiere of THUNDERCATS: THE MUSICAL last week, and guess who doesn’t wear any panties? and guess who has like 20 paparazzi snapping shots of her p*ssey when she gets out of the limo? i’ll give you a hint, it wasn’t me. it wasn’t me. okay, thanks @LAB for making our dreams come true.


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